Ane Pleasant Satyre of the Southern Estaitis

If it hadn't been for the chance promotion of wee Danny Alexander to Chief Secretary to the Treasury the UK Government would lack a single Cabinet Secretary who represents a Scottish seat other than the Scottish Secretary. John Major's last cabinet, with fewer Scottish Members to choose from (11 Tory seats under Major, 12 Coalition seats now), had Lang at Trade and Industry and Rifkind as Foreign Secretary (Forsyth was Scottish Secretary).

Interestingly, Brown had only three (including himself) but Blair had four in his last cabinet - each with far more to choose from than Major. Is the quality of unionist MP from Scotland in decline? I suppose it is blindly obvious that Mundell does not have the quality of Rifkind or Forsyth, that Moore is no Jo Grimond and Danny Alexander isn't even Russell Johnston. It's just as clear, I suppose, that Murphy is no Tom Johnston and Douglas Alexander can't hold a candle to Willie Ross, but are they really that much worse than the fodder being served up south of the border - Vince Cable, Iain Duncan Smith, Chris Huhne, Andrew Lansley, Eric Pickles?

It's just as well we can fend for ourselves, isn't it? Mind how you go!

Remember when?

A long, long time ago there was an election and some people used videos, remember these ones?







Ah, principles, eh?

Let's play Top Trumps

Top Trumps is a series of decks of cards which all have the same theme - you compare the attributes of two of the cards and the person holding the card with the best attribute wins. So, for example, if you and I were playing with a deck of F1 cars, I might pitch speed as the attribute and whichever of us had the fastest car on our card would win the hand. A fun wee game which lots of us enjoyed as children and which covers subjects as diverse as baby animals, football players, Harry Potter, Horrible Histories and Politicos. Inexplicably, they've never done Holyrood and the politicians in Scotland's Parliament so I find myself shouldering that burden.

Let's start with the candidates for First Minister in next May's election:

Alex Salmond:
First Minister of Scotland
Leader of the Scottish National Party

Election history –
Won Banff & Buchan Westminster seat1987, re-elected in 1992, 1997, 2001, 2005 – retired undefeated
Won Banff & Buchan Scottish Parliament seat 1999 – retired undefeated
Won Gordon Scottish Parliament seat 2007

Current majority – 2,062

Age - 55

Employment immediately before election – Oil Economist and Bank Economist, Royal Bank of Scotland


Ian Gray
Opposition leader
Leader of the Labour Group of MSPs in the Scottish Parliament

Election history –
Won Pentlands 1999
Lost Pentlands 2003
Won East Lothian 2007

Current Majority – 2,448

Age - 53

Employment immediately before election – SPAD to Alistair Darling


Annabel Goldie
Opposition leader
Leader of the Scottish Conservatives

Election history –
List Member for the West of Scotland Region 1999, re-elected 2003 and 2007

Current majority – none

Age - 60

Employment immediately before election – solicitor



Tavish Scott
Opposition leader
Leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats

Election history –
Won Shetland 1999, re-elected 2003 and 2007

Current majority – 4, 909

Age - 44

Employment before election – councillor and farmer



Patrick Harvie
Opposition leader
Leader of the Scottish Green Party (co-convenor with Eleanor Scott)

Election history -
List Member for the Glasgow Region 2003, re-elected 2007

Current majority – none

Age - 37

Employment immediately before election – youth worker and development worker for PHACE Scotland


Other things
Then, of course, there's debating and rhetorical skills. Out of 10 points you've surely got to give Salmond at least 8 and possibly 9, Goldie probably 7 maybe 6, Harvie has to be 5 or 6, Scott about the same, and Gray 2 maybe 3.

Stature (in terms of befitting the office) - Salmond 7, Goldie 5, Harvie 3, Scott and Gray down about 2.

Capacity to develop policy (relies on party to a great extent and how much freedom there is to work) - Salmond 10, Harvie 8 maybe 9, Goldie 3, and Scott and Gray 0.

Recognisability wouldn't be a fair category, Salmond is the only one who would figure.

Courage to take decisions - Salmond 10, Harvie 10, Goldie 4, Scott 2, Gray 2


I can't think of any other categories to add at the moment, but feel free to suggest some. It doesn't look like a very even contest just now, does it? That might change when I get the chance to look at the other cabinet positions, right enough...

Mind how you go!

Charles Kennedy

The riders on the negotiations have been severe - what's wrong with red smarties anyway? Funny that the papers got it wrong and suggested he'd be joining Labour, isn't it?

Ahem.

Mind how you go!

Effective Government?

I am indebted to m'learned friend for alerting me to the presence of a very important commission operating under the auspices of the Westminster Government - the Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt, known as the National Debt Commissioners - a commission which, I hear you say, is coming not a moment too soon, it's about time the National Debt was reduced.

I thought so too, and I was about to applaud the institution of this fine and well-thought-out organisation until I realised that I would be roughly 224 years too late (we'll have no comments about my working practices, thank you!), the body was established in 1786, the year that Robert Burns published his first collection of works (Poems, Chiefly in the Scottish Dialect), the year that the first prison ship sailed for Botany Bay, the year that Mozart's Marriage of Figaro premiered, and the year that the Affair of the Diamond Necklace helped prepare the ground for the French Revolution and the creation of the First Republic - interesting times, indeed. This bit is from page 85 of the list of Ministerial responsibilities of the new Government:

COMMISSIONERS FOR THE REDUCTION OF THE NATIONAL DEBT
The Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt (CRND), established in 1786, primarily manage the investment portfolios of a number of government and public bodies including HM Revenue & Customs (National Insurance Fund), National Savings and Investments (National Savings Bank Fund), Her Majesty’s Courts Service (Court Funds Investment Account) and the Department for Culture, Media and Sport (National Lottery Distribution Fund). It also manages some residual operations relating to the National Debt including Donations and Bequests and 3.5 per cent Conversion Loan Sinking Fund. The statutory functions of the Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt (CRND) are carried out within the United Kingdom Debt Management Office.

There are eight commissioners:

1. The Chancellor of the Exchequer
2. The Governor of the Bank of England
3. Deputy Governor of the Bank of England
4. The other Deputy Governor of the Bank of England
5. The Speaker of the House of Commons
6. The Master of the Rolls
7. The Accountant General of the Supreme Court
8. The Lord Chief Justice

How often do they meet? Well, back to the UK Debt Management Office:

Meetings of the Commissioners were at first held regularly, but the last recorded business meeting took place on 12 October 1860.

Move along, move along, nothing to see here! They leave the responsibility for managing down the national debt in the hands of two civil servants. I have no doubt that they are extremely competent civil servants but surely the elected politicians would want to be in control of such an important function? If you were hoping that the Government of the day in Westminster was keeping an eye on the massive debt then it's probably best you don't look at the other pages on the Debt Management Office site. I looked at the sections on accounts hoping to see some figures that I could ponder upon. Alas and alack, it would appear that I must seek such information elsewhere.

That'll be for another day, I think. Mind how you go!

McAveety is disgraceful

Frank McAveety has been in the news a bit for his tasteless comments about a member of the public during a Scottish Parliament Public Petitions Committee meeting. His comments were lewd, sexist, a tad colonial and imperialistic in tone, and, frankly, unprofessional.

This former Labour Culture Minister, though, should also hang his head in shame for this bit:

"She looks kinda . . . she's got that Filipino look.
"You know . . . the kind you'd see in a Gauguin painting. There's a wee bit of culture."

Gauguin in the Philippines? I think not! Tahiti and a couple of other islands in French Polynesia, yes - nowhere near the Philippines.

Sheesh!

Told you so

Following the realisation that Edinburgh now definitely, absolutely cannot afford the tram project, council officials and TIE representatives will meet with John Swinney soon to ask whether the money received from the Scottish Government will have to be paid back when the project is cancelled. Told you so!

Some time ago at a briefing in the Scottish Parliament we were told that investors were champing at the bit to get a slice of the Edinburgh Tram project but that TIE wanted to build it with public money (we were told that you could raise 100% of the dosh in London or Munich) - wouldn't that be a solution (he asked in all innocence). I still haven't had that other briefing ...

There's nothing worse than falling flat on your face and getting your nose stuck in a tramline (unless you fling your leg over the wire at the same time). Tramatic it is!

Mind how you travel ...

Let's support England in the World Cup

After all, they're our nearest neighbours and dearest friends, and they've never won it before, have they? No, no, laddie that was a Swiss referee and a Russian linesman. England is, after all, the greatest footballing nation in the world - although they are so modest about it you would hardly know - and they play beautiful and graceful football with good manners and great sportsmanship. Pip pip for our boys in white with the three scrawny leopards on their chests, and if we need any more inspiration, let's turn to their national bard:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.
On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war.
And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start.
The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

The game's afoot indeed - mind how you go!

More Nats

There are Labour MSPs wandering around Parliament just now wearing badges that say "More Nats". En route to Damascus?

Holier than who?

Turn your back for two minutes and the Lib Dems are at it again, preaching piety and claiming superior probity and all the while they're dipping the till. Remember Clegg of Clegg Hall in the pulpit saying he was out to clean up politics, that MPs ripping off their expenses was a "symptom of a deeper malaise" and that MPs had been "abusing the system on an industrial scale". There was a new sheriff in town, though, a superhero - Nick would deliver "fair, decent, transparent politics". Of course, he'd need a few expenses to do the job - £83,824 should do it, including £160 a month for a gardener to prune his fruit trees and maintain his rose garden (no, honestly).

He had a damned fine rationale for it all, though, “It was in a state of complete disrepair, the garden was a complete eyesore, it hadn’t been touched for ages." Great reasoning - he bought a hovel so we should pay to clean it up - he can't be expected to wield a pair of secateurs by himself, after all, and it is "a modest semi-detached home" after all (you know, the kind of place that thousands of people aspire to have as their only home), not a palace... I wonder if he's stopped making claims on our money for his refurbishment of this white elephant he bought with our money?

And so to David Laws. He knew that he shouldn't have been paying rent to his partner since at least 2006, admitting that he and his partner should "probably have changed our arrangements". Probably? It goes further, though, the house was paid for partly by David Laws - and that was after the rule change that meant he was no longer allowed to pay his partner for accommodation. He was, in effect, paying himself rent for his second home using his Parliamentary expenses. Its different in detail but surely not in degree from Nigel Griffiths and his first office scandal or, for a more contemporary comparison, Elliot Morley's phantom mortgage.

David Laws has referred himself to the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner - whoop-de-doo, I'm not sure I can contain myself. The behaviour to which he has admitted is criminal, he's committed fraud, he shouldn't be in the rector's office worrying about a bad report card, he should be in the police station worrying about a court case. Just to top off the ridiculousness of his position, Clegg and Cameron have both said that Laws might return to Government at some point in the future - I wonder who else they might be considering for a return to the fray?

We shouldn't be surprised, of course, the Lib Dems have a reputation for encouraging their MPs to use Parliamentary allowances in ways that were never intended.

Let's polish off wee Danny Alexander while we're at it (what is it with politicians with that surname) - there was a stooshie over his sale of his London home and not paying Capital Gains Tax. He was, of course, entitled to relief under the three year rule (as would Hazel Blears have been if she'd thought to claim it) and so not obliged to pay CGT. I can't help feeling that the biggest part of the story has been missed:

Mr Alexander bought his London home in 1999 when he was a press officer for the Britain in Europe campaign. In 2004 he got a job as press officer for the Cairngorm National Park (how did someone living in London get that job?), and in 2005 he was elected as an MP and immediately designated his London home as his second home in spite of not owning another home. He rented a place in Aviemore but the home he owned in London was what he called his second home.

Here's the thing, though - he'd owned the London home for six years before getting elected but as soon as he got elected he started spending money on doing it up, a new boiler, repairs to the roof, and so on - £37,000 worth in two years, then he sold it. Basically, he charged us for the costs of doing up a house he already owned and then he flogged it at a huge profit (about £150,000) and bought another (and charged us for the costs of moving as well) - I wonder whether he's been charging us for the refurbishment of this flat as well?

The Lib Dems - never knowingly underclaimed.

Mind how you go!