John Smith House closed

Wee fact - Labour has moved out of John Smith House.

Unfortunate lack of information - I don't know why.

Solution - I'm going to invent a scurrilous rumour to explain it.

Here it is:

Labour's Scottish branch has moved out of its Headquarters at John Smith House as a result of a massive shortfall in revenue. The party started its slide into difficulty during the Blair era when long-term members walked away in disgust at the direction the party they had belonged to for many years was taking. Many even said that the Labour Government was "economically inept, morally repugnant and spiritually bereft".

That slide continued with a range of dodgy donations, cash-for-peerages, undeclared donations and dubious loans and contracts. Labour members continued to drift away, leaving just the rump of slightly less than 8,000 members in Scotland - less than twice the size of the Lib Dems - and career-minded individuals, spotting the writing on the wall (in the electorate's hand-writing), started making for the lifeboats; looking for jobs in lobbyist firms and suchlike to ride out the hard times and look to return when the going got better (with the honourable exceptions of the few who stayed to look after the peers of the realm).

On top of losing power in Scotland and slipping towards opposition south of the border, Labour is running into trouble with those who it used to rely on. Labour's funders have found other uses for their money, unions finding that their members are better served when they spend the money elsewhere, and private funders getting well and truly scunnered by the ongoing suspicion that surrounds anyone who donates to Labour and money from fundraising dinners appearing to go to Labour rather than town centre regeneration (for example).

The upshot of all of this is that Labour can no longer afford to occupy its Scottish HQ. Labour is not pining, it's passed on! That party is no more, it has ceased to be, it's expired and gone to meet its maker, it's a stiff, bereft of life, it rests in peace! Its metabolic processes are now history, it's off the twig, it's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible. It's an ex-party. (with apologies).

No doubt they'll be able to scrape together a groat or two for infighting the next election, but it's a dead brown bounce.

Now, then, I wonder if anyone else is needing scurriled ...